Friday, September 22, 2017

a letter to baby brother

It has been such an emotional roller coaster getting to this point. I have reflected so much about B and the amazing husband, father and friend he has been/is/will be. I have reflected so much about Natalie and how much I love her, am proud of her and am excited for her. It only feels appropriate to reflect a bit about this new baby and share my feelings as we begin this chapter of our story: a family of four.


To my newest little love,

I cannot believe you're really here and that you have been here for 9 weeks and already my maternity leave has come to an end and today I start back at work. My pregnancy with you was incredibly emotional and I know part of the reason is because you're our last baby.  You are the last one I will carry. The last baby to hear my heartbeat from the inside. The last baby I will feel roll, twirl and kick and, my God, did you kick.  While your pregnancy wasn't easy and we definitely had quite a few bumps along the way, falling in love with you these last few weeks absolutely has been.   

I am trying so desperately to slow this time down, to soak in all of your tiniest moments because they are fleeting. I thought my pregnancy with you went by in the blink of an eye, but these nine plus weeks home with you have seemed so short and hazy. Even though I find myself grieving over the firsts and the moments that have been flying by us, I am filled to the brim with excitement about all of the firsts that are to come, especially your firsts that include your sister. Honestly, watching you and your big sister interact has quickly become one of my favorite things on the planet. She loves you so fiercely, we all do.

It is so strange to me to think that life existed before you. I don't remember a time without you in it.  You have completed our family, and completed me, in a way I didn't know possible.  It amazes me how effortlessly you fit into our family.  All of the fears and tears and guilt that I felt leading up to your arrival were so unnecessary. You were absolutely made exactly and perfectly for us, for me. My heart has expanded to depths I didn't even know were possible because of you. Every day you remind me that a mother loves infinitely.  Every day with you is such a privilege.

Just as I asked your sister to be patient as I learn this new world of two children, I ask the same of you.  I promise you that I am trying. Every day might not be a good day, but I promise that there will be good in every day. I may not be perfect, but I promise our family - you and me, Daddy and Nat - are perfectly intertwined, perfectly made for one another. I knew that you were so wanted, Everett Grey, but I had no idea how much I needed you. 

I love you beyond measure, little boy, and I cannot wait to watch you grow and learn.