Wednesday, July 5, 2017

a letter to my first born

Just as I took a moment to put into words all my feelings about B before we become a family of four, I wanted to gather some thoughts for Natalie. My mind has been all over the place these last few months thinking about how drastically life is going to change for all of us and there are so many things that I want my sweet little girl to know. 


To the little girl who made me a Mama: 

For months I have searched for the right words to tell you how much I love you, how proud I am of you and how excited I am for this next chapter in our story. I don't know that I will ever be able to truly express how grateful I am to you. You changed my world so much for the better on the day you were born. Through nervous tears and sleepless nights, you taught me how to be a mother.   

Over the last few months I feel like I have watched you transform from a toddler into this incredible, independent, witty, sassy little girl. You amaze me every day with the things you are learning, the compassion you show others, the ideas you are putting together and your creative, imaginative mind.  I know you are going to do big things in this world, Natalie Grace, and I cannot wait to watch your story unfold. As nervous as I am about you having to share my love + attention and me trying to balance my love and affection for both you and your brother, I am excited to navigate this new chapter with you (and, of course, your father).  I know you are going to make an incredible big sister and Everett is so lucky to have you.

In the coming months, I ask you to please give me some grace. I know I will be trying desperately to give it to myself as well.  This world of two children will be new to me.  If I am short with you or if I snap at you, please know that it is never my intention to hurt your feelings. You, and your feelings, are so incredibly important to me. And honestly, my love bug, chances are good, you will have done nothing wrong. Your brother will need my attention and he cannot communicate with me the way that you can. Please use your words and, perhaps, gently remind me to use mine.  I will be frazzled and anxious and sleep deprived and that will in no way be your fault. Please know that I am trying. Please know that while I won't really know what I am doing, I want to be the best I can for you and your brother. The beginning will be rocky, but we'll get the hang of it. I promise.

While your life is about to change, I hope for the better, I want you to always remember that you were the first. You will always hold that place in my heart: the one who made me a mama. Until your little brother arrives, I plan to soak in every little bit of you: every smile, every sassy word, every hug and kiss, every moment of life with just you. And when Everett arrives and the time of just us comes to an end, I want you to always remember that I love you beyond words, Natalie Grace, and no one can replace you.