Wednesday, April 15, 2015

the great #2 debate

Almost daily I have someone ask me when we are going to have baby number 2.  Brandon and I have had this conversation a million and one times.  And while, really, it is no one's business - I will talk about it in hopes that it slows down the questioning.  The truth is, it's a big question with even bigger questions attached to it.  Having our first baby wasn't exactly a walk in the park.  So while another baby would absolutely be a blessing but I don't know that we're ready for that yet.

Emotionally, we are 110% ready for another baby.  Brandon and I have always said that we want a big family.  If it were financially feasible we would love to have four little Wilkinsons one day.  So yes, emotionally, I would happily welcome a second little Wilkinson into the clan.  I had held out hope that new house meant new baby.  The more thinking we do about this though, the more we realize that now isn't the right time.  I don't know that I am emotionally ready for Natalie to not be my only child.  It's such a funny contradiction: being ready for another baby but not being ready for your only baby not to be your only baby. Sometimes I forget just how young she is - she won't be two until November.  She is growing up so fast and is quite mature and smart and even though she is considered a toddler, she is really still a baby, my baby. 

More importantly, I don't know that I am ready mentally.  We have a lot going on right now. Brandon is finishing up grad school in the next month. (Wahoo!) We just moved into the house and we're trying to get settled which is taking a bit longer than anticipated.  Finding a new routine has been hard - especially since we're not completely unpacked yet and finding the motivation to unpack those last dozen or so boxes has been tough. 

On top of that, Natalie is going through a very interesting, very needy for her mama phase.  I can't walk in the door and take my shoes off without her needing me to hold her right away.  I can't go to our room and change my clothes after work without her standing at the top of the stairs crying because I am out of her line of sight.  I can't get through cooking dinner without her needing to be picked-up and snuggled.  I cherish feeling so loved and needed by her but it really makes me reconsider throwing another baby in the mix.  I don't think she is ready to share her parents and be a big sister and that is not something that I want to put on her before she is ready. I think she needs more time.  I don't want her to resent a younger sibling. I want her to understand what is happening and be excited about it.  I want mama's little helper, not mama's little hater.

We had talked about doing a frozen embryo transfer this fall but even then, it's too soon.  I know that when we have a second baby, I will not be working full time anymore.  I refuse to work for daycare and we'd be looking at doubling our daycare expenses.  Throw in diapers and formula too... woof.  So, that's another huge consideration.  We need to get more settled into the utilities flow with the new house before I can make the big jump to being a stay at home mom.  Not to mention, we have a lot of big purchases to make in the near future for that new home: living room furniture, a new water heater and a new AC condenser.  [Imagine not having AC when pregnant - that would be terrible!]  Besides, I am not ready to give up drinking good wine and make the jump to box wine to save money so for that reason, I need to work a little bit longer :) Just kidding - my decision to have a second baby is not based upon the type of wine I purchase. I already love box wine.

So for all of those asking when we will have baby #2, I will tell you this: my personal goal was to have two babies by 30.  I will be 30 in October of 2016.  I don't plan to deliver a baby before then, but definitely plan to be pregnant on my 30th birthday.  How pregnant? That remains to be seen :)  So for now, I am going to drink good (inexpensive) wine (sometimes from a box), furnish our new home and enjoy our little girl feeling confident in our decision to put adding to our family on hold until we're all ready for that next step, both emotionally and mentally.

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