Wednesday, June 25, 2014

holy shi...


Saturday on our way home from the beach Brandon and I experienced something I had read about in plenty of mommy blogs: the dreaded blow out.  Now this wasn't her first blow out - we have had some straight to the bathtub doozies, but this was her first on the road blow out and it was definitely one for the books and one that I will not soon be forgetting.

As we were packing up Saturday morning, something seemed a little off.  Natalie was happy and she was smiling, crawling around and playing. She had been up for over an hour, eaten her breakfast but she had not pooped.  This girl is routine and fairly clockwork in her bowel movements so I was a little curious.  I was not going to take any chances, so I took a receiving blanket from her diaper bag and put it down on her carseat prior to strapping her in.  If I had known then what was going to happen, I would have picked a blanket that I liked a little bit less...

We were through Easton, over the Bay Bridge and maybe 40 minutes from the house when we heard that tell-tale sounds that the little miss was up to no good.  It should be noted that Natalie is easily the world's loudest pooper.  I am not even kidding.  If she is in the living room and I go into the kitchen, I can hear her grunting because it is that loud. In fact, just thinking about her makes me giggle.  Her eyes glass over, her face gets red, her jaw hangs open just the slightest little bit and she makes the loudest grunting noises.  It is so completely unladylike but so completely hilarious. At any rate, she took care of business and then, in an un-Natalie-like fashion, she cried and screamed and fussed and made it be known that if we did not stop the car immediately, we would be in trouble.

With a packed car, we couldn't possibly pull over on the side of the road so Brandon took the very next exit and we found the only place in the Arundel Mills area that seemed to be open at 8:30 in the morning on a Saturday: Subway. Oh Subway.  I got Natalie out of the car and she stopped crying. Maybe this won't be so bad I thought foolishly to myself.  When we rounded the corner to the bathroom, we found that it was a unisex bathroom.  Thank God.  I had never changed something this crazy by myself without involving a bathtub.  When we opened the door to the bathroom we discovered that it was NOT a family friendly bathroom meaning there was NO changing table.  Friggin fabulous.  Brandon went back out to the car to grab a bigger changing pad.  When he got back we took Natalie out of the car seat together to evaluate the damage.

Somehow she did not have a single spot of poop anywhere on her clothes - impressive; however, the receiving blanket suffered a much different fate.  Before we took off her diaper, I wiped down her exposed body to get her clean and to make sure her shirt remained safe from the poop.  Then I noticed we didn't have many travel wipes left. Crap.  Literally. When we took off her diaper, I was shocked and appalled... and then seriously surprised at just how much shi stuff a baby can fit in a diaper. 

Since Natalie is such a wiggle-worm, I held her up while Brandon wiped her down.  A hose would have been a far more effective cleaning tool.  Brandon took the first wipe to the bum of our trying-to-bounce little babe and ended up with far more on it than I had anticipated.  Between the amount of poop and the smell, I nearly lost it. How did all of that come out of my sweet, smiling little girl?! I took a moment and regrouped.  This was absolutely no time to fail my partner.  After a few more moments of watching my husband try to wipe down a standing, wiggling, bouncing baby, I couldn't help but smirk when I made eye contact with Brandon and soon enough we were lost in laughter.  Between the laughter and the commentary, I cannot imagine how crazy we sounded from the other side of the door. Eleven carefully used wipes later, we were clean. That little wipes container had far more than I thought!  And thank God for that! It was at that point that I realized we were out of A&H bags.  Yikes.  Oh well.  We tossed the mess, receiving blanket and all, into the trash and made our way to the car counter because somehow after all that Brandon was hungry.

When we finally got to the car, I realized in my hast to get away from the stench I had left my cell phone in the bathroom.  I ran back inside to get it.  Before I even got to the bathroom door, the pungent odor hit me like a brick wall. I held my breath, ran in and grabbed my phone, vowing to never let the A&H bags run out again.  To whoever had to use the bathroom after we left, please accept our sincerest apologies!